Looking back at the last few months have been a whirlwind of emotions… Pain, Joy, Triumph, Defeat…

It is crazy that when you are in the situation, the only reasonable thing to do is to question why is this happening? At least that is where I go, God why do you let bad things happen? How can I process what I am seeing everyday? Where are you in this journey? What are you asking of me?

This journey we call "life" is tough and the past few months (maybe yearJ) I have been asking God, why? I was hit so hard by the day to day life that happens that I forgot to sit before the Lord, to be still and know that He is my God, I had to come home due to sickness and being home has been a blessing, but I still see the children of Africa with every blink of the eye, I hear them singing in my sleep but wake up to silence, I remember the smells and the feeling of holding the little ones and I miss it. When I returned home, the questions didn't stop… More happened with my family, illnesses and unanswered questions but I think that I have come to the point, that this life was never meant to be easy, When Jesus called His disciples He made clear what the call was, it wasn't easy and when they said yes they knew without a doubt what Jesus expected. I am reading the "Barbarian Way" by Erwin McManus and this is a quote form the book: They (disciples) trusted Jesus with their lives, and they lost their lives on the journey. If you could interview any one of them, each would insist that even in the midst of suffering and hardship, he was most fully alive. They were not disappointed in God because they did not misunderstand who He was. They understood His call, and they chose it willingly! Some barbarians survive the night in the lions den; others experience their darkest night and wake in eternity!

This resonated with my spirit in a deep way, who are we as followers of Christ to think we deserve anything more than what Jesus experienced. We desire a life of health and think that it is our right to question when something happens with our finances, or we become ill. We deserve nothing more than what was handed to the disciples and to Jesus Himself. I am still trying to get to a point where I walk this out but it is what my heart is screaming.