Thank you for your encouraging letters after my last blog. I was struggling with the idea of painting what I deal with here and not making you think I have lost my mind, I am okay and I think I just need to vent a little. Things are not that bad here in South Africa and it was good for me to come back here and be refreshed, and soak in God's goodness.

I am going to give you a clip from my next newsletter that paints a broader picture.

The burden that I felt when I first came was both overwhelming and challenging. Who am I? Why am I here in the midst of darkness and evil, and what do I have to offer? These questions raged in my head and the feelings were starting to over take my spirit. I was hopeless and alone in a big country full of Satan and his demons. I was clueless; I cried out to God and wondered why he would put me in this hard place. It was not as easy as I thought it was going to be, and

trust me I was prepared for what I thought was the worst. What I was not prepared for was the spiritual attacks and the warfare that are so prominent here.
  To be more than honest I was terrified, all the training in the world can't prepare me for Warfare here and I was feeling weak and too small for the task at hand. Everywhere you look people are dying, children are starving, people are being abused and it seems normal in this culture. I was struck by the evil that has invaded the people here.

My fault in the matter was I was leaning on my own strength and trusting a small god to do big things, I was not allowing God to come in power, I was only allowing him a portion because I was too scared that he would disrupt all that I knew. The moment I allowed him to come, he did…Yes it disrupted but it was good. I am convicted of being self centered, even ministry seemed to be focused around my feelings and hurt or pain, in reality God doesn't even need me here. I am but a vapor in the wind, but I want to take hold and be involved in a God who is moving and changing hearts and lives. Why is it that as humans we think it is about us, as if we have a gift that is needed and the world will die if we don't use it?

I know I am over exaggerating but you see my point? I fell on my face and cried to God that it is only about Him, He knows the pain in the world, He knows we are fallen, he knows it hurts, and He is coming in a wave to heal the broken and mend the wounded, to set the captives free, and I want in on that! I want to see the extraordinary things become daily life here. I want to live expecting God to do great things, Things that are out of my comfort zone. I want less of me and more of Him and I desire Him to strip me of myself so that all that remains is him and the light of hope will cause others to come, because they want hope, they want love, they want JESUS!!!