I went to the mountains yesterday and I as I climbed to the top I felt this longing to know my Father in a way that goes beyond the “Christian walk” as I know it. I want to let Him out of this box that I have placed Him in. I decided to let my friends walk ahead and I just sat down and watched the sky. October skies have always caught my attention. There is something that happens in my spirit when I am in the cool crisp air and all I can see is the sky and clouds. I feel free. As I was sitting there I heard the question…
If all else fails would you still love me?
Oh course God! Why would you ask me that? I heard again…
Will you choose to love me if all else fails? Then I stopped and began to get real with myself, I thought
“if my Grandfather dies, will I still love you God”? “If you choose to take another one of my nephew’s home before they have a chance to live, will I still praise you”? “Will I see you as the giver of life if a child dies of Aids while I am holding them?” “Will I bless your name in spite of “life” Then I was silent… I wanted to scream YES! I will love you no matter what. You have my heart, you are sovereign. I trust you, but then I realized that I have never been in those situations before. As much as I desired to scream yes Lord, My heart felt heavy. I wasn’t sure of my answer. Yes I will still love Him, but how will this change my heart? Will I still cling to Him in my time of pain and despair? I want to be so in love with Him that the world around me becomes as a shadow and as I press into Him the cares of this world will fade away. I desire that passion, that faith of fully trusting in His unfailing love and grace. I am by no means there, but I am striving.

I don’t know if I have a complete answer yet, but He knows my heart.